Shit, maybe.

I sail my boat through an endless ocean on a landless planet. 

I sit here at 24 years old, about to graduate from one of the largest universities in the world, and I don’t know where to go, who to be, or how to decide which one of these will influence the other. 

You would think that being able to finally enter the “real world” would be exciting, thrilling, and confidence building and that I would be applying for all the coolest jobs in the world. But here I am, reluctant to send an application and scared to sell my soul. My lack of applications and securing a job doesn’t come from a lack of qualifications or laziness, it comes from deep indecision and deep indecision built out of fear of becoming someone I don’t want to be. 

I’ve spent my life preaching that you don’t need money to be happy, fuck how everyone else lives. We don’t need to be so materialistic because we have a soul that will live longer than any material good we can acquire. Don’t compromise your character. Dream big and love the people around you. Fuck being told how to think and live. I remember being told that I just didn’t get it, it’s not how the world is. It’s good intentions but it’s just not reality. And I understand what those people meant now. 

You have to eat, you want to live comfortably, you want to support a family, and quite frankly it feels like no one gives a shit about you if you aren’t someone significant whether it be your job, your finances, your family or your status. Especially as a man, the world’s love whooshes by you unless you learn how to run fast or show them you can do something for it, and even then they will only love what you can do or be momentarily impressed. So to anyone who has successfully done this, I have nothing against you and I apologize for the times I made it seem like you were doing some moral wrong.

Nevertheless, I’m still not convinced that it is the only way. 

Sometimes I think children see the world more accurately because they don’t have to deal with its realities. And adults are just kids that, once they confront the realities, drop what they know to be true because those two types of thinking can’t coexist. But what if they can? What if I can both play a little mechanistic part in the world, but move through the harsh realities with the genuine spirit of a child. Being able to make money, but also not forgetting that its a made up agreement of resources that is not worth a soul. Being able to buy nice things, and also know that I always have enough. Being able to work for a meaningless company, but allowing the menial to be something to ride on while I cross paths with the other souls stuck on this same planet. Being able to never forget, that these systems, these jobs, these menial tasks, consist of people, and how you treat people, connect with people, and love people, is the true fabric of a life and soul. 

So maybe I don’t have to live in my own dichotomy. To fear that taking part in the world means becoming like it. What if I can go through the world and keep my soul and even encourage others to do that in the process?  So whether I give access to water to all of the earth, crunch numbers for corporate America, write books that change the minds of the world, or load boxes in a warehouse, my soul is allowed to live, grow, and be fulfilled. Not because of what I do, but because of the energy I do it with.

If this doesn’t make sense to you, that’s okay. I wish I could articulate this better, but I don’t see the full picture just yet. 

So as I sail this landless planet, I hope to hold the home that has always been here, on this boat that has already sailed 24 years and all the other sailors, pirates, scuba divers, and swimmers I’ve met along the way.